Transcribed thoughts while reading Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, NOT by J K Rowing

I cannot review Harry Potter and the Cursed Child because I do not want to. So instead,  have a transcript of the WhatsApp conversation between myself and Diptee Raut that went on as I read it last night.

[21.31] Bea: Starting HPCC

[21.35] Bea: 😐 😐 😐

[21.36] Bea: Voldemort’s son wtf

[21.38] Bea: Lolwut

[21.40] Tea: Yeah that. 😀

[21.46] Bea: On the roof. Of Hogwarts Express. This has just turned into a Rajnikanth movie

[21.48] Bea: Trolley witch has turned into Edward Scissorhands

[21.49] Bea: But is still unable to prevent the escape of two juveniles. How has she been doing her work for two centuries. Are these boys more resourceful than Gred and Forge?

[21.49] Bea: Also, I get the luck or love reference now 🙂 We should totes make Felix Felecis-Amortentia charms.

[21.50] Tea: Trolley witch bit was total WTF!

[22.03] Bea: How did they get bits of HRH for the polyjuice?

[22.05] Tea: Albus managed it at the station 😐

[22.05] Bea: Right. Before he knew he would need it

[22.10] Bea: Eurgh eurgh Albus is kissing his mamima and asking her for sex

[22.11] Bea: Eurgh

[22.12] Bea: 😀 😀 😀 you have my chat window open. You like this, bitch, don’t you?

[22.15]Tea: :D:D 😀 😀

[22.15] Tea: And I cannot stop laughing

[22:19] Tea: You will hate all throughout how Ron has been portrayed. Why did Auntie have to do this?

[22:20] Tea: Okay I will start giving spoilers if I stay on this window anymore

[22:23] Bea: No, stay please. This is too much fun.

[22:23] Bea: Like the Cannibal Book of Cannibalism

[22:23] Bea: Like the Cannibal Book of Cannibalism

[22:23] Tea: Books… all of em!

[22:27] Bea: Right. So Hermione’s defence system is basically a party treasure hunt

[22:27] Bea: That 13 year olds can crack no problem

[22:28] Tea: Not any 13 year old, Scorpius

[22:29] Bea: Young Harry had a wet dream. This book is slowly eating me alive

[22:29] Bea: Like the killer library

[22:34] Tea: 😀

[22:34] Bea: Right

[22:34] Bea:  You know what. I bet Amos is Voldemort on Polyjuice

[22:35] Bea: We know Polyjuice ingredients have been stolen

[22:35] Bea: And they had Polyjuice with them

[22:36] Tea: Yeah… I am saying nothing.

[22:37] Bea: Accha, this Hermione is black, right?

[22:37] Bea: So the Weasleys have got two black bahus

[22:38] Bea: And now Bane says there is a black cloud around Albus. Maybe it is Hermione. Whom he has made out with.

[22:39] Bea: Also, whenever I read Bane I imagine him with the weird Tom Hardy face mask

[22:42] Bea: Krazy Krum

[22:42] Bea: Plucky Potter

[22:42] Bea: Delicious Diggory 😐 😐 

[22:43] Bea: Why not Fellatiating Fleur?

[22:47] Bea: Panju???!!!

[22:48] Bea: Alternate reality Padma has named her child after a slur used for Punjabis 😐 😐 😐 😐

[22:48] Bea: You Marathis are such racist bastards

[22:51] Bea: Right. Ron is Panju ka Baap and Harry is Ullu ka Pattha now

[22:51] Bea: Where is Hermione? Is she a stripper in this alternate reality?

[22:52] Tea: After reading Panju, I just laughed insanely nonstop 10 minutes

[22:52] Tea: Yeah… you will hate Hermione in this reality

[22:53] Tea: Aren’t you already hating Harry for being such a tyrant?

[22:53] Tea: The trio is just not like the trio

[22:54] Tea: Ron is reduced to nothing!

[22:54] Bea: Harry is an asshole, Ron is a buffoon

[22:54] Tea: The joke guy!

[22:54] Tea: With bad jokes

[22:54] Bea: Ginny has no role

[22:54] Tea: Redundant

[22:54] Bea: Hermione is in character so far

[22:56] Bea: Right. Scrap that. Hermione is now Harpy from the seventh hell.

[22:56] Tea: I thought she was totally OOC as the Snape-ish prof. Not being with Ron can just not make her mean!

[22:59] Tea: And you want to slap Harry for everything in this reality… especially for bossing around McGonagall

[22:59] Tea: I am really sleepy now.

[23:00] Tea: But will stay awake as long as I can

[23:01] Bea: This bromance though

[23:01] Bea: I wish Albus would just bugger Scorpius already

[23:02] Bea: Maybe that is what happens. They have sex and unleash Voldemort

[23:02] Tea: Awwwwwww the hugs

[23:02] Tea: ❤

[23:03] Bea: There is absolutely no need for Scorpius to have a boner for Rose when it is Albus he is “meant to be together” with

[23:03] Bea: Heteronormativity cop-out

[23:03] Bea: Also, they invented some spells exclusively for that insane duel

[23:03] Tea: Yes

[23:03] Tea: New spells

[23:03] Bea: Rectumsempra

[23:03] Bea: Matlab gaar faar do uski

[23:03] Tea: Exactly

[23:08] Bea: Tee hee

[23:08] Bea: Tee hee                                                              

[23:10] Tea: 😀 😀

[23:10] Bea: I don’t understand how the time travel reduced Ron’s IQ by half

[23:11] Bea: Friend friend funny friend my funny Hermione?

[23:11] Tea: Hermione would have been some influence na

[23:11] Bea: Must be because he is living with a Marathi

[23:11] Tea: Bitch!

[23:11] Bea: Remind me to warn Subhro

[23:12] Tea:  X(

[23:15] Bea: Myrtle sounds like Munmun Sen

[23:15] Bea: Ki duuuushtoooo

[23:16] Tea: I liked this reality

[23:19] Bea: Finally, an interesting reality

[23:19] Bea: Mudblood torture FTW!!!!

[23:22] Bea: Right. Draco is a huge death eater and his son gives him a bit of sentu and he converts immediately

[23:29] Bea: And Snape immediately believes him, as do Hermione and Ron


[23:31] Bea: How can arms be full of dark magic?

[23:31] Bea: How is Umbridge levitating? Why does this remind me of that nun in Conjuring 2?

[23:33] Bea: MacGonagall is telling everyone off.

[23:36] Bea: But that was in alternate reality 1. How does he remember the black cloud conversation when it never happened in this reality?

[23:36] Bea: But that was in alternate reality 1. 

[23:36] How does he remember the black cloud conversation when it never happened in this reality?

[23:49] Bea: Voldemort had a daughter

[23:49] Bea: Voldemort had sex

[23:50] Bea: He took his pecker out and put it in someone

[23:50] Bea: I want to go home now

[23:50] Bea: Tea. Make this stop, please

[23:50] Bea: This is like an alternate reality itself

[23:51] Bea: In which I am left horrified and whimpering by Harry Potter

[23:51] Bea: Why did they have to take this away from me

[23:54] Bea: Though, if you think about it, his noselessness would have made cunnilingus very easy

[00:00] Bea: Again, Dumbledore said this in AR1 so there is no way Harry can remember it in this reality

[00:00] Bea: Again, Dumbledore said this in AR1 so there is no way Harry can remember it in this reality

[00:04] Bea: Right. Deux ex machina with second time turner

[00:04] Bea: And Cedric Diggory was a McGuffin here

[00:05] Bea: I feel so la-di-dah for recognizing literary patterns

[00:16] Bea: Dude. We saw Bellatrix a few weeks before the Battle of Hogwarts. You’d think we would have noticed if she were heavily preggers

[00:17] Bea: Also. He slipped it to Bella. This is awful. Do you think he took her from behind? Like the little bitch she is?

[00:17] Bea: Ralph Fiennes fucked Helena Bonham Carter doggie style. No. No.

[00:18] Bea: I need brain bleach. Urgently.

[00:26] Bea: Right. I am done.


That was fun.

[07:01] Tea: 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

[07:01] Tea: Wheeeeee

[07:01] Tea: I needed this laugh early in the morning

[07:02] Tea: Tell me if you really hated it… or tell me if it was an enjoyable read

[07:02] Bea: I enjoyed it, mainly because I got to read it with you. I feel broken and dirty now though.

[07:03] Tea: I really really liked Scorpius

[07:04] Tea: With that mush and everything

[07:04] Tea: ❤ ❤ ❤

[07:04] Tea: Let us continue the dissection on Gtalk.


7 responses to “Transcribed thoughts while reading Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, NOT by J K Rowing

  1. Pingback: Transcripted thoughts while reading Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, NOT by J K Rowing | Rivers I Have Known- Books, Reviews, And More

  2. Yeah. I wish I had not slept off when you reached the third reality. 😀

  3. Lmfao at this chat.. this is brilliant… I still refuse to read HPCC though.. xD

    • Your decision, sir, proves that you are a wiser soul than me.

      Though you will miss Dolores flying through the air at you like a jumpscare video. Her arms full of dark magic. Like water balloons.

  4. I loved reading HPCC, warts and all. The sorting hat walking was the first jarring note; the sudden segues towards heteronormativity after the denouement was another one in a pretty long list. But I still loved it. Because it gave me another chance to frolic around with my favorite characters. And because this is the last chance for that, as JKR has said.

    Ommita has a potty-mouth and a potty-brain. I absolutely love it, because I can totally identify with it. (I did notice whose head-space dominated this “conversation”…)

  5. I understand how you feel. Diptee feels the same way, actually. I enjoyed it too, in the sense that I laughed louder and longer than I have ever done in any of the real HP books. If only any of that humour was intentional, now.

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