I cannot review Harry Potter and the Cursed Child because I do not want to. So instead, have a transcript of the WhatsApp conversation between myself and Diptee Raut that went on as I read it last night.
[21.31] Bea: Starting HPCC
[21.35] Bea: 😐 😐 😐
[21.36] Bea: Voldemort’s son wtf
[21.40] Tea: Yeah that. 😀
[21.46] Bea: On the roof. Of Hogwarts Express. This has just turned into a Rajnikanth movie
[21.48] Bea: Trolley witch has turned into Edward Scissorhands
[21.49] Bea: But is still unable to prevent the escape of two juveniles. How has she been doing her work for two centuries. Are these boys more resourceful than Gred and Forge?
[21.49] Bea: Also, I get the luck or love reference now 🙂 We should totes make Felix Felecis-Amortentia charms.
[21.50] Tea: Trolley witch bit was total WTF!
[22.03] Bea: How did they get bits of HRH for the polyjuice?
[22.05] Tea: Albus managed it at the station 😐
[22.05] Bea: Right. Before he knew he would need it
[22.10] Bea: Eurgh eurgh Albus is kissing his mamima and asking her for sex
[22.11] Bea: Eurgh
[22.12] Bea: 😀 😀 😀 you have my chat window open. You like this, bitch, don’t you?
[22.15]Tea: :D:D 😀 😀
[22.15] Tea: And I cannot stop laughing
[22:19] Tea: You will hate all throughout how Ron has been portrayed. Why did Auntie have to do this?
[22:20] Tea: Okay I will start giving spoilers if I stay on this window anymore
[22:23] Bea: No, stay please. This is too much fun.[22:23] Tea: Books… all of em!
[22:27] Bea: Right. So Hermione’s defence system is basically a party treasure hunt
[22:27] Bea: That 13 year olds can crack no problem
[22:28] Tea: Not any 13 year old, Scorpius
[22:29] Bea: Young Harry had a wet dream. This book is slowly eating me alive
[22:29] Bea: Like the killer library
[22:34] Tea: 😀
[22:34] Bea: Right
[22:34] Bea: You know what. I bet Amos is Voldemort on Polyjuice
[22:35] Bea: We know Polyjuice ingredients have been stolen
[22:35] Bea: And they had Polyjuice with them
[22:36] Tea: Yeah… I am saying nothing.
[22:37] Bea: Accha, this Hermione is black, right?
[22:37] Bea: So the Weasleys have got two black bahus
[22:38] Bea: And now Bane says there is a black cloud around Albus. Maybe it is Hermione. Whom he has made out with.
[22:39] Bea: Also, whenever I read Bane I imagine him with the weird Tom Hardy face mask
[22:42] Bea: Krazy Krum
[22:42] Bea: Plucky Potter
[22:42] Bea: Delicious Diggory 😐 😐
[22:43] Bea: Why not Fellatiating Fleur?
[22:47] Bea: Panju???!!!
[22:48] Bea: Alternate reality Padma has named her child after a slur used for Punjabis 😐 😐 😐 😐
[22:48] Bea: You Marathis are such racist bastards
[22:51] Bea: Right. Ron is Panju ka Baap and Harry is Ullu ka Pattha now
[22:51] Bea: Where is Hermione? Is she a stripper in this alternate reality?
[22:52] Tea: After reading Panju, I just laughed insanely nonstop 10 minutes
[22:52] Tea: Yeah… you will hate Hermione in this reality
[22:53] Tea: Aren’t you already hating Harry for being such a tyrant?
[22:53] Tea: The trio is just not like the trio
[22:54] Tea: Ron is reduced to nothing!
[22:54] Bea: Harry is an asshole, Ron is a buffoon
[22:54] Tea: The joke guy!
[22:54] Tea: With bad jokes
[22:54] Bea: Ginny has no role
[22:54] Tea: Redundant
[22:54] Bea: Hermione is in character so far
[22:56] Bea: Right. Scrap that. Hermione is now Harpy from the seventh hell.
[22:56] Tea: I thought she was totally OOC as the Snape-ish prof. Not being with Ron can just not make her mean!
[22:59] Tea: And you want to slap Harry for everything in this reality… especially for bossing around McGonagall
[22:59] Tea: I am really sleepy now.
[23:00] Tea: But will stay awake as long as I can
[23:01] Bea: This bromance though
[23:01] Bea: I wish Albus would just bugger Scorpius already
[23:02] Bea: Maybe that is what happens. They have sex and unleash Voldemort
[23:02] Tea: Awwwwwww the hugs
[23:02] Tea: ❤
[23:03] Bea: There is absolutely no need for Scorpius to have a boner for Rose when it is Albus he is “meant to be together” with
[23:03] Bea: Heteronormativity cop-out
[23:03] Bea: Also, they invented some spells exclusively for that insane duel
[23:03] Tea: Yes
[23:03] Tea: New spells
[23:03] Bea: Rectumsempra
[23:03] Bea: Matlab gaar faar do uski
[23:03] Tea: Exactly[23:10] Tea: 😀 😀
[23:10] Bea: I don’t understand how the time travel reduced Ron’s IQ by half
[23:11] Bea: Friend friend funny friend my funny Hermione?
[23:11] Tea: Hermione would have been some influence na
[23:11] Bea: Must be because he is living with a Marathi
[23:11] Tea: Bitch!
[23:11] Bea: Remind me to warn Subhro
[23:12] Tea: X(
[23:15] Bea: Myrtle sounds like Munmun Sen
[23:15] Bea: Ki duuuushtoooo
[23:16] Tea: I liked this reality
[23:19] Bea: Finally, an interesting reality
[23:19] Bea: Mudblood torture FTW!!!!
[23:22] Bea: Right. Draco is a huge death eater and his son gives him a bit of sentu and he converts immediately
[23:29] Bea: And Snape immediately believes him, as do Hermione and Ron[23:31] Bea: How is Umbridge levitating? Why does this remind me of that nun in Conjuring 2?
[23:33] Bea: MacGonagall is telling everyone off.[23:36] How does he remember the black cloud conversation when it never happened in this reality?
[23:49] Bea: Voldemort had a daughter
[23:49] Bea: Voldemort had sex
[23:50] Bea: He took his pecker out and put it in someone
[23:50] Bea: I want to go home now
[23:50] Bea: Tea. Make this stop, please
[23:50] Bea: This is like an alternate reality itself
[23:51] Bea: In which I am left horrified and whimpering by Harry Potter
[23:51] Bea: Why did they have to take this away from me
[23:54] Bea: Though, if you think about it, his noselessness would have made cunnilingus very easy[00:04] Bea: Right. Deux ex machina with second time turner
[00:04] Bea: And Cedric Diggory was a McGuffin here
[00:05] Bea: I feel so la-di-dah for recognizing literary patterns
[00:16] Bea: Dude. We saw Bellatrix a few weeks before the Battle of Hogwarts. You’d think we would have noticed if she were heavily preggers
[00:17] Bea: Also. He slipped it to Bella. This is awful. Do you think he took her from behind? Like the little bitch she is?
[00:17] Bea: Ralph Fiennes fucked Helena Bonham Carter doggie style. No. No.
[00:18] Bea: I need brain bleach. Urgently.
[00:26] Bea: Right. I am done.
That was fun.
[07:01] Tea: 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀
[07:01] Tea: Wheeeeee
[07:01] Tea: I needed this laugh early in the morning
[07:02] Tea: Tell me if you really hated it… or tell me if it was an enjoyable read
[07:02] Bea: I enjoyed it, mainly because I got to read it with you. I feel broken and dirty now though.
[07:03] Tea: I really really liked Scorpius
[07:04] Tea: With that mush and everything
[07:04] Tea: ❤ ❤ ❤
[07:04] Tea: Let us continue the dissection on Gtalk.